CALIFORNIA — Sports Mogul Inc. announced today that they will be changing the name of their "Football Mogul" simulation game to "Handegg Mogul". The new name reflects the company's dedication to ever more authenticity and accuracy in their sports-themed computer games.
“At a time when 13% of Americans believe the earth is flat, we think it's important to stress truth and honesty in our products,” said Clay Dreslough, President of Sports Mogul Inc. “And the truth is that 'American Football' is a lie. It's a game played with your hands and an egg. It should be called 'American Handegg'.”
(The above meme was shared with me on Facebook. My apologies for sharing without attribution. If you know who made it, please let me know.)
Handegg Mogul 22 will be the world's first professional handegg simulator. It will also feature more accurate statistical categories, and a long-awaited conversion to the metric system. “'Yards Rushing' is an inaccurate term,” Dreslough added. “It refers to the distance carrying the egg beyond the line of scrimmage. Therefore, the statistic will be renamed 'Metres Achieved Carrying Egg'."
For example, instead of showing Emmitt Smith atop the All-Time Leaders with 18,355 career Rushing Yards, Handegg Mogul 22 will show him with 16,783.812 Metres Achieved Carrying Egg (abbreviated 'MACE'). Jerry Rice leads the All-Time Receiving Leaders with 20,935.188 Metres Achieved Catching Egg (also abbreviated 'MACE').
In addition to more intuitive stats like 'MATETBLOS' (Metres Achieved Tackling Egg Thrower Behind Line of Scrimmage), the positions will also get new names such as Egg Hiker (EH), Egg Carrier (EC), Left Egg Protector (LEP) and Egg Thrower (ET). Finally, the Goal Line will be renamed the 'Goal Plane'.